How to be charming

A journalist I really admire, Alexander von Schönburg, once wrote about a dinner he attended with his wife. The room was filled with some of the richest and most powerful people in the world and at the end of the night, he asked his wife how she’d found the evening. She said she had a wonderful time, that she’d spent the whole night talking to a man… but oddly, realised she knew almost nothing about him. She couldn’t even remember his name. The man, she said, was older, a bit forgettable-looking, and didn’t say much. Yet from her perspective, the conversation had been fantastic.

People like him tend to have two things in common. First, they rarely feel the need to talk about themselves. After all, what’s the point? Who are they trying to impress? “I just bought a Picasso” or “I donated a new surgical wing to the city hospital”. It would sound ridiculous, even if true.

Secondly, they assume they never know enough. They’re genuinely curious. They believe that valuable insights can come from anywhere and anyone. They listen carefully, whether it's a brilliant analyst or a gas station attendant. They don’t just listen to people out out of politeness; they know that the most important piece of information might come from the most unexpected place. They’ve mastered the art of listening.

In our personal lives, it can happen that we dislike some people instantly without even a reasonable justification and we tend gravitate towards others - again, without a reasonable, logical justification. Sometimes, we just click with someone. We get along effortlessly. And when we run into them again, by chance or by choice, it feels good. That's chemistry.

But in our professional lives, this kind of connection is harder to come by. We don’t always get to choose who we work with. Sometimes, we have to collaborate with people we don’t click with or who don’t even like us. That’s just part of the job.

So instead of tiptoeing around awkward situations, it’s smarter to prepare and create your own luck. Start by treating others the way they want to be treated.

How do you know how someone wants to be treated? You pay attention.

People are constantly giving off signals through body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, even through how much space they leave between you and them. The trick is to become a kind of social detective and to turn these little clues into actual information. That takes intention. You give off signals, too and when others pick up on what you’re trying to say without saying it directly, it feels so good. You tend to like the people that get you, your boundaries, your jokes. Be that person for others.

Being charming, in the end, is really just reading between the lines.